Why I write again ...
August 05, 2018It’s been almost one year since I left the island of gods and decided to pursue more on my career. I moved back to my beloved hometown.
The first three months were busy but I still found my way to be bigger than all of my stress. The next six months, I felt like I lost my energy and happiness. My work kept my mind too occupied with all those worries, anxieties and stress.
I told my parents and shared the situations. They firstly thought I was the one who was just too panicky and could not control the situation. I, somehow, slightly agreed to them and pushed myself even further. "I am not weak, I could do this”, I told myself. I tried to think that maybe my situation was okay, it was just me and my crazy mind which were exaggerating. I promised and forced myself to be positive every-single-day at work. I manipulated myself by saying, “It’s okay, Din, everything will be okay,” but…it just did not work. That did not help at all.
I turned out to be so moody, I had no energy at all, I could not sense positive vibes and the worst was, I could raise my voice to my parents just over a small talk. My diet habit became unhealthy. I got sick and went to a doctor several times - about three times in four months (that never happened to me before). There were prescriptions and medicines in my room for different cases. Every night my whole body got itchy and turned red. Until the third time I visited my doctor, she said, “Edlyn, you must learn how to calm.”
Okay, something was definitely not right.
I talked to my friends more often, hung out with them every time I could and asked as many opinions as I could. Guess what, 90% of them said that I had to quit, the stress was not worth it, I am still young I should’ve explored more and take risks, bla bla bla. I considered and decided that even quitting is not going to solve my problems. Well, at least, not now.
Analogically, it was like forcing to ride a bicycle with broken wheels. You thought you could still be moving but you would never go far, ever. Even if you’re moving, the ride would not feel good. In this case, hustling would be in vain. Thinking smartly, it is not about pushing yourself harder. Instead, it is about finding the real problem to get fixing: the wheels. My self, my minds.
Let’s do the checking here. What’s wrong actually with my work? I love what I’m doing. Yes, the list of things to do is never ending but, frankly, I actually enjoy digital marketing so much. My surrounding always keeps pushing me as if I should never be settled and satisfied, like always. Every motivator whom I watch and listen to would, of course, suggest you to be surrounded with people who push and get you to be a better person. So, nothing’s wrong, isn’t it? Yes, until I realised; if these painful situations made me a better person then why I am afraid of doing wrong, scared as hell to face a meeting, not happy to wake up in the morning and cannot sleep although my eyes are so tired.
Life is funny. There are always many things to be complained about, which wastes our time. Therefore, sometimes when my mind has been all over the place that freaks me out and costs my energy, I should immediately ask myself: SO, WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
My lazy tired mind is very tempted to answer: 'I don’t know’. But, no, no.
Here is what I want.
I want a peaceful mind and heart. I want to be surrounded by positive vibes. I want to be free and choose anything that makes me happy. I want to forever love myself first.
I will speak up when I disagree on something, if it is worth my energy. Anything that costs my peace is just too expensive. I just could not afford it no more.
I know that I will eventually say: ‘this is enough’ when my whole mind and body say so. Thus, since I still choose to be in this path, I respect myself and have to accept everything that comes with it.
This applies to not only my career but also relationship.
There are many new things and habits that I apply to my life now which help me to actually feel better. I feel so much better now as I learn how to care less. That is why I also want to go back and start writing again. Hopefully, I could share a solution for people with the same anxiety issues.
As a matter of fact, anxiety will always be there - it comes and goes. It is just us that have to be smart and know how to find a solution to cope with that.
This blog would also be notes for my tomorrows.
x
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