I lost zest for life and woke up without anything I could look up to for the day. I always tried to find my zest for life back but, every time I found something to excite me, it would only last for a few days and made me think that perhaps the light had really left the building. They say finding happiness is a work in progress. It really frustrated me when I am the one who is responsible for my own happiness but I could not do much for it. 

I am so aware that I am not the only person on earth that has problems - not knowing what is actually happening but feeling so drained and exhausted. Looking my surroundings, my closest relatives, they all have different problems which sometimes reminded me to always be grateful of what I have had in life. As much as I want to cheer and be there for people I love, I realise that I just can't. Simply, because I feel empty myself too. 

This time, I decided to go back to my original inner self as an introvert; taking time to just be my self alone. I reduced time spent on social media. I threw all the efforts to post. To be honest, I would've just deleted my social media accounts if I were not a digital marketer. Since I still need to somehow be connected with the online world for work, I could only reduce the time I spend on it. Today, my iPhone weekly report said that my time screen was down 38% compared to last week. I still browse and watch Netflix tho - I just try to cut all the influences from social media, no matter good or bad. 

When almost every person at all different ages try to be online and find success through social media in so many possible different ways, I think it's better for me to take a few step backs. I am never a fan of crowded places. Social media seems to be crowded, filled with people who will do anything to increase their follower number - it's just somehow frustrating and too chaotic for me. The number of information we could find there is overwhelming without us being able to identify and validate which one is actually the accurate one. I don't find peace on social media - people are even debating over a small typo in the comment sections. We all live in a society where every person thinks they are right. 

I miss those old days when we did not really share much about our life; when we felt so excited when a new edition of our favourite magazine was finally published; when we, ladies, were too shy to even show our selfies on our phone.

This is why I wanted to forget and cut all of those influences and try to find who I really am; a person I always wanted to be, things I wanted to do before knowing all of those influences, those what them influencers are doing, posting, saying, thinking, debating, using etc. 

Of course, some of you might think and feel different. It feels indeed so good if you could find a role model perhaps through social media that you admire and could positively impact your life. But to me, it's barely possible. I've been working with many influencers (both local and international influencers) and getting to know them as a real person behind those beautiful feeds always make me realise that social media and internet world is just like - I don't know what is the best world to exactly describe it but if I have to pick one it would be - a delusory. You could be anyone you want, you could build and create image you like in the internet. People start forgetting about reality and keep on dreaming about fame and success determined by unstable bases and built by a viral content.

After using my social media account only for work related stuff for over a week, I found it therapeutic - even for the problems that I couldn't even describe. My mind has become quieter and hence, provides spaces allowing new input or fresh inspirations to fill. It does not stop there; when I did meditation, a couple of old beautiful small memories sometimes popped, reminiscing how beautiful life was when I was young. I was happy back then.

I am pretty sure it implies a huge different between "has not moved on from the past" and "remember the past", and "has moved on from the past" does not necessary mean "forget the past". I mean here is to remember, take a look and observe what I was like in the past. Before this world told me who I needed to be, who was I? 

I could see myself has changed, developed and matured compared to the old me, let say the high school teenager Edlyn. However, the matured Edlyn now felt stuck and did not know what to do next. Have I taken the wrong path? Or perhaps, I knocked a wrong door but now it's too late as I was already inside the place but I could not find my home. So, I decided to travel back, simply by using this time to just enjoy the things I used to like. Slowly, many old familiar feelings started to get out from the old drawers which I had left and never opened again. 

I used to love rainy days. When I was in high schools and all I did was studying, I spent most of the week at home studying and studying. I was never bothered by the rain and in fact, was entertained. Then, I moved to Bali for work and hated it after I found myself in love with beaches and clear blue skies. I kept that "I hate rainy days" in mind even after I moved back to Jakarta. Due to the pandemic, I felt miserable being locked at home. Until...in the last few weeks, rain fell at night and felt so calm because of the sound. When the rain falls, there is nowhere I want to be other than home. This is something that made me think, let's cut all the nonsense, stop feeling terrible and victimised by the pandemic. 

As I was enjoying the sound of thunder and rain falling, I planed to do things I used to do alone in my room, such as listening to music and watching movies and series. I re-watched some series that I have watched 10 years ago and surprisingly, they brought back feelings and made me understand the movies from different points of view. 

This is funny actually; I always tell people that I love watching the same movies multiple times because I love how they make me feel and every time I rewatch it, I always find something new. As I grew more mature, I was able to grasp and understand the story lines from a different - I would say - wiser perspective which younger Edlyn would never understand. I am more like a person who finds inspirations through movies than books. I believe that sometimes the Universe could give us signs through movies that we watch. 

Some of the series that I rewatched were Korean dramas. I must say that Korean dramas really helped me go through a few stages in my high school life. I found happiness in watching, reading and listening to anything that relates to Korean stuff. Then, after I finished high schools and went to college, I stopped watching Korean dramas and rarely told my new friends about my interest. There seemed to be an impression that liking Korean stuffs was 'unusual' at that time. I mean, Korean Wave has not really begun in Indonesia until 2018, I guess. Then, I moved to Sydney, Australia for university where less people knew and impressed with Korean Wave. I slowly began to find new interests. When I had the opportunity to join a student exchange program, I was actually in dilemma whether to choose Germany or South Korea. I studied German in high school and learned Hangul informally. I guess you already know which one I ended up picking. 

I do not regret the paths I have chosen. By looking back to the past like this, it made me realise of the things I ever wanted but have not been done, which actually still possibly could be done in the future. This actually says, "Hey, dear Edlyn, you are not really stuck in life, aren't you?" 

They say there are five stages of acceptance: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Frankly, I do not know where I am at currently. All I could sense is that I am moving forward - at least not stuck. It's been only one week and I have not done doing this method for myself. I also ask to God through prayers to send me signs and lights. Thankfully, I think I could now see a glimmer of light. I won't stop and give up on finding my self.